Ask a Ninja Robot Pirate

Dear NRPZM, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, but my former KGB connections have yet to provide any useful evidence. Can you help me?

NPRZM says: Arr, bring me some brains. Some banana-flavored brains. And don't worry about your boyfriend. I've already assassinated him and turned his carcass into biodesel fuel. Pathetic flesh bag.

Dear NRPZM, Do you ever have a solution to a problem that doesn't involve assassination, rum, brains, bananas or oil in some way?

NPRZM says: X = FALSE;

Dear NPRZM, What would you do if you encountered a giant squid-chicken-moose-panda-thing?

NPRZM says: The tango.

Dear NPRZM, Don't you care about disgracing both your ninja and robot origins by writing an advice column for humans?

NPRZM says: That depends on how much brains-and-banana-flavored rum I've had.

Dear NPRZM, OH DEAR GOD HELP ME I'M ON FIRE ARRGH WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH ARRGH I'M BURNING BURNING OH WHAT A WORLD WHAT A WORLD…

NPRZM says: Oops, sorry, out of time.

Editor's Note: This article is to be considered parody and not based in fact. It is part of our annual April Fools Edition.