Reflections on death

Recently, I have been thinking about death. It is strange, because during my contemplation, my girlfriend's grandfather has coincidentally been nearing the end.

Then, the media began saturation with the death of M.J. and we found that our cat has hypercalcemia, which is causing his kidneys to fail. He will die and someday so will I.

Surrounded by death, I have been forced to consider the implications of such an event. First and foremost, despite the fact that sometimes I feel as though I could live forever, all the evidence points to a surety that someday I will die. This, as is attributed to Ben Franklin, is a certainty.

Following the conviction that I will surely die, I consider what dying entails. When any organism dies, its organs shut down, leading to a loss of movement, growth and reproduction of cells.

This leads to the loss of the senses. Since consciousness is seemingly, directly dependent upon one's senses, one's physical consciousness slips away as well.

Now, I have read some claims that people have made of experiencing an afterlife. There is even a very convincing story of a woman named Pam Reynolds who had to be put clinically to death in order for surgeons to operate. She was dead for a time, meaning that her senses were turned off, then, following the surgery, she was revived.

The interesting part of the story is that Pam described, in detail, events and conversations that happened during her surgery. Later, doctors and nurses confirmed her claims. If she was completely dead, her brain was turned off, meaning that her physical senses were turned off.

If one's consciousness relies on one's senses, then this feet of Pam's should be impossible. On the other hand, if we take her story as truth, then consciousness continues after death.

Unfortunately, I am still having a difficult time believing in an afterlife. Pam's story is only one story out of billions of stories of humans dying.

As far as I can conceive and despite the fact that I wish this were not true, there appears to be no conscious afterlife. Honestly, I am pretty scared of this most plausible reality.

I guess I have a few responses to all of this reflection. My first response is a barrage of questions.

Is there anyone who can help eliminate some of my doubt in a conscious afterlife? Is there anything beyond pure faith in such a thing as heaven? What does existence devoid of an afterlife mean for my perception of self? Do I actually exist, or is 'I' just a term for the collection of matter, which constitutes my body? Will I then become an illusion to those still living as the matter that was once me disperses into space?

Second, I want to know how others deal with such a realization. Believing that there is no conscious afterlife is a pretty heavy thing to contemplate. This means that it matters whether or not I die tomorrow or the next day, because it is the difference between one and two more days of experiencing life. This can become something very nerve wracking. I know that the future is unknown, therefore my time of death is unknown, and therefore I cannot know whether my actions will be fulfilling or wasted.

Lastly, while some think that my doubt in an afterlife removes a sense of purpose, it also adds a sense of urgency. More than ever I have been feeling that the things I do should be full of new experiences. I understand the idea of seizing the day and even though this 'loss' of an afterlife has been causing some bad moods, I am trying not to fret the small misfortunes of life.

Ultimately, I am trying hard to be happy and joyful. I want to be able to promote these things to others.

To end, I hope I have not brought anyone down. These are just things I have been considering and I think the more I open to others about these difficult question, the closer I will come to answers.