The Scoop on the Riverpoop

What has the world come to when every aspect of sports has been tainted by some form of performance enhancing drugs?

I know that it may be hard to believe, but even our own loveable mascot the Riverpoop has been reported taking banned performance enhancing supplements.

"I just wanted to be at the top of my game," said the Riverpoop. "All of the other team's mascots are bigger and stronger. I thought I could impress more fans by taking a couple of pills, a few steroid protein shakes and that stuff that they think Barry Bonds is taking. I never meant to hurt anyone."

The Riverpoop has been suspended from games and birthday parties until the lab work comes back with the results. An oversized robotic pilot wheel with a thirst for blood will take his place for the remainder of the season. So far this season, seven mascots have been suspended for using banned substances.

"The competition level for mascots is unbelievable," said Truman the Liger. "Some mascots feel the need to cheat to get more fans to like them, but I feel like if you are naturally talented, you will succeed."

I do not know what to think about mascots anymore. These guys are supposed to be there entertaining the fans, but instead they are out there disgracing the great art of being a mascot. I know that it cannot be easy getting into that suit every night and working harder than everyone else at the game, but this is just not acceptable.

Last season, new tests were set up to determine if a mascot is using HMH (Happy Mascot Hormone). Some of the supposed positive side effects of HMH are increased fan approval, greater halftime performances and late game rallies for the home team.

The negative side effects of HMH have yet to be determined, but the surgeon general has reported that they are bad, very bad.

"I do not know the negative side effects of HMH," said the Surgeon General. "I just know that they are bad, very bad."

Not only do we have to be careful which athletes children choose for role models, but we also have to watch out for mascots as well.

Several local high schools have reported an increase in fan support even though they teams were not even playing. Could HGH have made their way into our high schools? If so, what will this mean for the future of half time entertainment?

I used to look up to these guys, but what is the point? They say they do it for the fans, but in reality, fans do not go to games to see mascots, they go to see the team. Most mascots know their roles, and shut their mouths, but there are a few who really want to stand out.

The Riverpoop was one of the mascots who wanted to stand out. The problem was he went about it the wrong way. All he can do now is sit in the stands with the rest of us and watch an inanimate object cheer our teams on to victory.

Editor's Note: This article is to be considered parody and not based in fact. It is part of our annual April Fools Edition.