The Great Goetz-Bee buzzes into action

The Stagnant is the annual parody issue of The Current. The stories, photographs and illustrations are not real and should not be taken seriously. The Stagnant does not intend to seriously offend any individual or group.

To bee or not to bee, that is the question.

I always heed the advice that my rich father once told me. I avoid judging people, but this habit of mine has become a problem, as of late, especially since I met The Great Goetz-Bee.

She was my next-door neighbor in the quiet community of West Omelet, and she was always known for her lavish soirées held in the Debbie Does Dallas Field.

I was invited to one of her parties on the evening when her team was headed to the championship. One thing seemed odd, however, in that no one at the party had ever met the mysterious Goetz-Bee.

However, during the course of the party, I started talking with a lovely young lady who told me stories of the birds and the bees, and it turned out that this woman who seemed to know so much about balls and "no hands" was in fact Coach Great Goetz-Bee.

"Buzz-buzz-buzz! buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz!" were the first words she spoke to me. "Just joking around. I can really talk," she said.

"So you're the Great Goetz-Bee?" I said in astonishment. "Wow, it's so great to meet you. I've heard so much about you, but no one seems to know who you really are. How come you don't make yourself known at your own parties?"

"Well, we bees have a rule: 'Never talk to a human' and I've just broken it," she said in shame.

"Why can't you talk to humans?" I asked.

"Because there was this incident. I sued the human race one time because one team, Dreary University, was stocking up with all of the honey from our hard-working honeybees before their games," Goetz-Bee responded.

"After they gave us all of the honey back, we had to find new jobs, so I took this coaching job of the Mermaids spelling bee team at DUMSL," she added.

I listened on as she continued her sad tale.

"The spelling bee championship is tomorrow against Dreary University, and I feel I've made a horrible mistake. Since all of the honey is ours now and the bees do not have jobs, they don't need to pollinate the field and it looks horrible. There is no way it will be ready in time for the spelling championship tomorrow."

"Well, what can we do about it? Let me help. I'm sure we can come up with something!" I exclaimed. "Wait a minute, I have a third cousin, Daisy, who can help. She works at a flower shop and has tons of bee-gonias we can all plant on the field in time for tomorrow's game."

And so the two got to work in time for the big game tomorrow and the Debbie Does Dallas Field never looked prettier, like a Pablo Bee-casso painting.

Coach Great Goetz-Bee led her Mermaids onto the newly pollinated field against Dreary University, but in the end they were no match for Dreary, so the team just stung the players all the way back to…where is Dreary anyway?