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Editor's Note: This article and all articles in the March 28, 2005 issue are to be considered parody and not based in fact. They are part of our annual April Fools Edition.
Soon, DUMSL students who receive financial assistance but still cannot afford suitable campus housing will have the opportunity to enjoy the benefits of residential life without the hefty price tag.
The new development, Brokaz Park, is set to prop open its doors next semester.
"We've always gotten complaints about housing being too expensive," Calvin Klein, Rotten Life Overlord, said. "When people started sleeping on the lawn, we decided it was time to accomodate them."
The facility will feature amenities that many student housing complexes lack. All of Brokaz Park is paved with linoleum flooring so that residents can enjoy the slickness in every square inch of their new temporary home.
"Hopefully the Raunchy Assistants, student leaders within the Brokaz community, can use the linoleum to sponsor programs, such as a sewer-water slip and slide event," Shanaynay McReefer, Rotten Life raunchiness coordinator, said.
Rotten Life plans to hire Raunchy Assistants through the local minimum security prison.
"We feel that it's important to support convict work release programs," McReefer said.
Brokaz residents will have the option of choosing between one and two bedroom units, and each unit has a fire pit for cooking and a paper bag for bathroom purposes. Students who wish to live in pre-furnished units can choose between a one bedroom unit with a stained twin mattress on the floor, or a two bedroom with a stack of newspapers in the corner.
Brokaz Park has a premium heating system. The development has compensated for the absence of air conditioning by increasing heating options.
"The new heating systems are great," Klein said. "Students will never be cold again. They can choose from (W) Warm, (H) Hot, (HAH) Hot as Hell and (BYATD) Bake Your Ass to Death."
Students are urged to bring their own cable cords of approximately 100 feet in length.
"We have set the complex set up so that students can bootleg their cable," Klein said.
Duracell Merriwhether, senior, battery science, is in favor of the cable plan.
"I just got off of parole for bootleggin' cable at the crib, so I am glad that DUMSL is giving me the opportunity to hook up my crib without 5-0 comin' through my spot disconnectin' the connections," he said.
While those living in Brokaz Park will still be required to purchase a meal plan, they will be privy to special discounted food.
"All Brokaz students will be have access to the Snosh dumpsters. For $5, they can eat twice a day, and for $6.50 they can eat twice a day and on weekends. For those with more limited budgets, we have developed the 'sharing program,' where students will be allowed into the Snosh to beg at certain times of the day," Klein said.
To promote the upcoming development, the DUMSL bookstore has shown its support for the complex by selling bibbed skull caps that have Brokaz Park embroidered on them along with Brokaz wristbands, sweatbands, t-shirts and even sneakers. All proceeds from bookstore sales will go towards financing more mattresses for Brokaz students.
Students interested in living at Brokaz should pick up an application from Queen Maxine in the DUMSLOffice of Rotten Housing.
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