New residential nursing home to cater to DUMSL's senior citizen population

Residential Life Support is planning to build a new nursing home residential hall to accommodate the students who seem to be getting on in years.

The new home will take the place of newly built Soak Hall after it is demolishesd later this month, and will expect to cost around $47 billion, 10 heads of cattle and 4 packs of cigarettes.

A recent DUMSL study shows that the average age of a student is 67.4 years, so it is only appropriate that this kind of housing establishment be built for all the old people on campus.

The nursing home and residential hall, called Happy Meadows Hall, will replace Soak Hall's location on South Campus due to its close proximity to the Nursing school.

Nursing students will be able to get practical experience dealing with all the fogies with their "special" needs, and the students will have quick access to all the budget care that they can hope to stomach.

Happy Meadows Hall will be in the same kind of shoddy condition as every other kind of retirement home around, complete with all the rude and abusive help as well as the half-hearted attempts of care and recreation.

Every door will be handicapped- accessible and equipped with those motion sensor openers that take way too long to activate, Craftmatic adjustable beds in every room, and a special TV channel with 24 hours of "The Price is Right" and "Jeopardy." Other activities include quilt making, shuffleboard and a bingo hall.

The construction of the new nursing home building is not going according to schedule. Head honcho of Rez life, Johann Klein, says, "We still need to tear down that one building and evict all of those free-loaders who live there. We have old people trying to live here on campus, so we have to a place for them to stay, because everybody knows they can't live alone. They are a danger to themselves and others."

When completed, Happy Meadows Hall will be only 3 floors and made to accommodate over 500 students. The average cost per student will be every last dollar of their retirement fund and/or their social security.

Editor's Note: This article is to be considered parody and not based in fact. It is part of our annual April Fools Edition.