The Current

Issue date: 10/24/05 Section: Opinions

I think I’ll start a new religion this week. I’ve got nothing else going on.

I’ll call this group “K” as a tribute to my first initial. You’re all invited to join K, as long as you follow my rules. They’re simple really. You’ll just need to isolate yourself from non-believers, stop reading the newspaper, buy matching Nikes and drink kiwi Kool-Aid four times a day. Oh, and you’ll have to change your name to Kate.

Okay, okay, so I lied. I’m too busy to found a religion. That, and I could fill a canyon with the moral regret that would come with brainwashing people. There goes my chance of winning a “Queen of Cult Island” reality show. I guess I’m just not cut out for inventing bizarre followings.

Speaking of strange sects, Scientology appears to be the new buzzword these days. After hearing the word so much, especially after Tom Cruise’s talk-show acrobatics, I wanted to find out what made the concept such a big deal.

I took my search to the web and visited the church’s official website. Perusing through pages, I found a free personality test that could determine my reasons for unhappiness in life. Though I’m generally an optimistic person, I took the quiz hoping to find out more of the fundamentals of this strange new faith. Two hundred seemingly random questions later, my personality stared back at me from the screen, neatly graphed out.

Apparently I’m a very troubled individual who urgently requires attention. According to the display, I’m almost 100 percent nervous and 80 percent irresponsible. The good news – I’m half aggressive and borderline stable. Whatever that means.

I surfed the site a bit more, wondering if it could remedy my multiple mental afflictions. Recalling Mr. Cruise’s self-assured response to Matt Lauer’s interview about depression several months ago, I checked out the section on leading a drug-free life.

According to L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology founder and fantasy author, “Drug use is often only a symptom of a larger spiritual problem in life which the individual is unable or unwilling to cope with… Addressed with Scientology, such problems are permanently resolved, and with them goes the need or desire to take drugs at all.”

I totally support your desire to seek a higher level of spirituality. I certainly value free speech. However, I also understand why it’s illegal to incite a riot. Persuading people with clinically diagnosed mental illnesses to stop taking medicine is like screaming “fire” in a crowded room. A huge potential for harm exists in both actions. All that aside, I still have trouble tossing years of scientific medical research in favor of a science-fiction bestseller.

Our friends in Scientology also advise giving up media, since it exaggerates the danger in society. Instead of advocating well-rounded information gathering, the sect recommends ignorance. I love the irony. An organization with the word “science” in its title promotes ignoring facts.

I’m not trying to offend the devout Scientologists who joined to fulfill their spirituality needs. I’m not a celebrity jumping on a couch telling you that you’re stupid and misinformed. I would appreciate it, though, if the pious congregation would refrain from pointing out my “unacceptable state” of mental existence. Because good cults don’t judge.

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