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They go by many names: whites, gringos, the population of St. Charles, pale-skin devils, and countless others. However, none of these terms are officially approved by DUMSL's own student organization: Cooperative Association of Underappreciated Collegians, a white representative group.
"The acceptable term for describing our kind is 'Caucasian', which is why our group is called 'CAUC," explained CAUC president Maximilian Habirshire, senior, White Studies.
Spreading awareness about hurtful, derogatory terms was one of the goals of Habirshire's brain child, Caucasian Night. The event, a celebration of Caucasian culture, occurred in the Pilot House.
One student who attended was Chauncey Smith, freshman, Suburban Studies.
"I actually didn't know what 'Caucasian' meant; I came cause I thought this was gonna be some sort of wine tasting or something."
Despite the fact that no alcohol could be found at Caucasian Night, there were no shortage of refreshments.
Catered by the organic supermarket Whole Foods, on long tables with appropriately colorless tablecloths could be found vegetable trays with ranch, hummus and pita, and chocolate soy milk.
Once students had enjoyed the bountiful organic food, a series of speakers began.
The first, Habirshire himself, expounded on the origins of the term Caucasian. This proved to be helpful for several students.
"'Caucasian' is like, such a weird word," Stacy White, freshman, gossip said "its like are we part Asian? Oh god, now I'm craving sushi."
Following his speech, Habirshire announced "Let the fun commence!" and then jogged off of the stage pumping his fists in the air while Europe's "The Final Countdown" played. Moments later, the festivities began. Belle and Sebastian blared on speakers while a group of performers dressed up as "Arrested Development" members walked around greeting people and making in-jokes from the popular Caucasian-themed show.
"Hells yeah, Arrested Development is probably my favorite show," Samuel Sallow, senior, undeclared said. "That, or The Office."
Caucasian Night also featured an otherwise unknown indie band had it not been for their song being in an IPod commercial a couple weeks back.
"Oh-my-gosh, I love 'Ostentatious Ecstasy,'" White said "their clothes are like so vintage and ugly that they're cool! And I guess their music is okay."
The band preformed one song for the group. For the first 30 seconds the audience could be seen jumping up and down together and flailing their heads. The rest of the song, not featured in the IPod commercial, fell flat.
"German Indie bands are much superior to American ones. Ostentatious Ecstasy did have technological savagery, but honestly didn't awaken me from my moral insensitivities, the mark of great musical genius," Hanz Pheiffer, junior, counterculture said.
The final speaker of the night was saved as a surprise until Habirshire made the much anticipated announcement on stage.
"Next up ladies and gentlemen is the person you've all been waiting for," he said. "Fearless and unforgiving, a grimalkin of a woman whose work in her career field could be considered awe-inspiring and untamed, here she is, give it up for…Diane Rehm!"
After the surprise announcement, scattered applause could be heard throughout the Pilot House. The host of the NPR program, the Diane Rehm Show, then teetered to the podium.
Within five minutes she had lulled the audience to sleep with her decrepit vocal styling and then got mad and scribbled on all of their faces with her microphone that became a marker.
After she had awoken, White echoed what most of the Caucasian Night audience members seemed to be mumbling on their way out the door.
"God, I need a Starbucks soy milk breve latte, that was the most boring night of my life."
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